Wow! You’re Saying That Was Wrong?

In the United States we’re experiencing a dramatic shift in our values. As numerous commentators have observed, sexual harassment that has been tolerated for many, many years is no longer being tolerated. Consequently, for very good reasons numerous organizations are implementing training programs about sexual harassment. The subject of the post is: Do we really think that the root cause of sexual harassment is lack of education about what harassment is or whether it’s acceptable behavior?

Sexual harassment is a specific instance of someone misusing his power to mistreat another individual simply because he can get away with it. When a man invites a women to his hotel room to discuss business and then parades around the room naked and demands sex – do we really believe that he mistakenly thinks this is morally acceptable behavior?

The men accused of sexual harassment often deny they did it. But they never defend themselves with the following type of response: (Slaps his forehead)“I didn’t know that forcing a woman to have sex against her will was wrong!” Or, “Wow! You’re telling me that exposing myself is wrong? Who knew?!”

Of course they know it’s wrong. That’s why they go to great lengths to cover it up.

The education people need in this area must begin with toddlers. Don’t hit. Don’t bite. Don’t mistreat others because you’re bigger and stronger than they are.

The men who do this know it’s wrong. There will always be people who think they can get away with it. The education they need is that women are now more likely to speak out. And organizations are less likely to tolerate it. The risk of being punished has just gone up dramatically. I’m hopeful that the deterrent effect of probable punishment will reduce the frequency of sexual harassment.

This is a lesson that’s more likely to be learned the hard way, rather than from a seminar.

Thanks for reading. As always, I’m interested in your thoughts.

Larry Sternberg

 

Larry Sternberg

This Year, Give The Gift of Gratitude

I’m re-posting this article I wrote several years ago. I hope it adds meaning to your holiday season.

This post will be merely interesting if you don’t act on these suggestions. It will be immensely rewarding if you do.

Think about the people whose influence helped you become who you are today, people who have made a significant, positive and lasting difference in your life.

Now take a few moments and make a list of their names. No matter your age, the list is not long. Just take a few moments and write their names.

Chances are you haven’t thought about some of these people in a while. Some might have passed away.

Visualize each person, one-by-one.

Think about what each one did that influenced you in such a powerful, lasting way.

Now, answer this question: Do they know what a huge difference they made in your life? I submit that unless you have told them, they do not know.

Here comes the immensely rewarding part: tell them. Tell them in person, or tell them in a hand-written letter. Tell them openly, sincerely, authentically from your heart. Do it before you lose the opportunity. They won’t be here forever.

If you’re visualizing actually doing this, you might be uncomfortable or even apprehensive. That’s normal. This sort of profoundly personal, emotional disclosure is rare in our society. Do it anyway.

I promise. Those of you who do this will find it enormously gratifying. For each person you tell, it will be the most meaningful gift that person has received in a very long time.

I’d love to hear accounts from those who try this.

Larry Sternberg

Where Work/Life Balance Meets the Ebb and Flow of Relationships

This post is written jointly by me and Dr. Kim Turnage, my friend and co-author of the book, “Managing to Make a Difference”.

Justin*, a CEO of a small business, recently shared his frustration about the reduced availability of operations manager, Marian,* who had just given birth to a child. Justin routinely works long hours in a 24/7 business, and, until now, he has enjoyed partnering with someone who runs as hard and fast as he does. For nearly a decade, Marian has been that business partner for Justin, and she has performed with excellence in her role. She loves her work and is committed to maintaining her high level of performance. The recent birth of Marian’s child (for which Justin is very happy, by the way) changes not only Marian’s life, but Justin’s as well.

*These are not their real names.

Kim happened to be talking with Marian and Justin together when this topic came up. It clearly touched a nerve for both of them. Justin was half apologetic, half frustrated in his description of the situation. As Kim asked a few clarifying questions, Marian was harder to read. Initially stoic, she was smiling through tears by the time Kim finished advising them on this matter. It went something like this:

It’s important for both of you to keep in mind that what you’re experiencing now is 100% temporary. Caring for an infant is time consuming and physically demanding right now for Marian. Justin, she has been an exceptional partner to you for many years, and you need the expertise she brings to your business. She loves her work, and she needs you to work with her to accommodate her needs temporarily. Are there other people in the organization who can backfill for some of her responsibilities for a time? What other accommodations can you make temporarily?

For how long?

Well, in just a few months, she’s going to be more well-rested because this baby will be sleeping through the night and she will too. Within less than a year, she will have achieved her breastfeeding goal and won’t need to take breaks at work to pump anymore. Within 5 years, this child will be in school. Five years is only half the time the two of you have been working together so far! This is really temporary.

You can both achieve your goals if you can keep communicating and working together on how to get both of your needs met. You have a solid relationship to build from, and both of you love working together. Marian’s need for extra time will certainly ebb and flow, but much of her flexibility can return. The two of you have an excellent partnership, and surely you’re smart enough to figure out how that partnership can continue to thrive, even though Marian’s life circumstances are changing.

In any close relationship, professional or personal, major life events in one person’s life affect the other person as well. Issues of work/life balance intersect with relationship issues quite conspicuously when it comes to parenting, and this is an area where embracing the ebb and flow of relationships becomes mandatory. But too often, people focus on formal, contractual elements instead of treating this as a relationship issue.

The reality is that women often pay higher penalties than men do for parenting. Despite the advances our society has made in equity for men and women in the workplace, the U.S is one of the only countries in the industrialized world that does not have laws requiring employers to provide paid maternity leave. As much as women and men may strive to parent equally, the reality is that if any paid leave is afforded by company policies, it is generally afforded to mothers and not to fathers. Mothers are typically the ones who take a “time out” to care for newborns. (That ‘typically’ turns to ‘always’ for single mothers.) And those time outs are almost never free. Even when they are allowed by company policy, they can detract from a woman’s ability to advance in her career. And women who choose to take leave or adjust work commitments in order to accommodate childbearing and child rearing are often penalized and judged harshly – sometimes most harshly by other women who have made different choices.

Can’t you just hear the “contract” language in that section you just read? Words like equity, penalty, laws, requiring, policy. Work/life issues often raise questions about whether people are getting what they deserve. They can quickly devolve into tit for tat, quid pro quo kinds of analysis. There’s an assumption that the way things are “now” is the way they will always be, and there’s a tendency to take a black and white, all or none position. But those are fallacies that don’t serve anyone well.

Let’s go back to Justin and Marian for a moment. Let’s say Justin decides he just won’t make any compromises. So he lets Marian go and hires someone new. How long will it take before that person gets up to speed? Remember he’s been working with Marian for almost a decade. Also, how can he be sure he’ll find someone who will be as good as or better than Marian? Given that her situation is temporary and that she’s still highly committed to her job, isn’t it worth making some accommodations and waiting for her to come fully back online?

Every relationship has an ebb and flow. Work relationships are no exception. At times more is asked from one person than from the other. Honoring the relationship sometimes involves accepting an additional burden with an open heart. But any additional burden is likely to be only temporary because that’s how ‘ebb and flow’ works. And when relationships are strong, partners should make the assumption that the accommodations will be worth the cost.

How Do You Adjust to a New Boss?

From time to time in your career you’ll confront the challenge of adjusting to a new boss. In many cases, this will be a situation you did not seek. Suddenly, you find yourself forced into a new relationship in which the other person (your new boss) has considerably more power than you do. Here are some tips for adjusting to a new boss.

  1. Don’t pre-judge.

Give this person a fair chance. That’s what you want, right? You don’t want your boss to prejudge you, so why should you prejudge her? Ignore whatever you might have heard and base your thinking on your own direct experience with her.

  1. Get to know each other.

Spend some time getting to know each other. An excellent way to get started is to use the Focus On You activity that you can download from the Website Managetomakedadifference.com

  1. Listen, listen and listen.

Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.

  1. Be positive.

This should go without saying, but sadly it does not. Demonstrate optimism about the future. Don’t focus on what’s wrong.

  1. Avoid gossip.

Don’t say negative things about others.

  1. Be supportive.

Make it clear that you are committed to helping your new boss be successful. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. You can help her avoid stepping on land mines, and you can share your inside knowledge to help her succeed.

  1. Make you boss’s priorities your own.

Find out what your boss’s expectations are, what her goals are and what she wants to focus on. Get on board with those priorities.

 

Thanks for reading. I’m sure you have additional tips to adjust to a new boss. I’d love to hear them.

Larry Sternberg

Is It Really Better To Ask For Forgiveness…?

I’ve been hearing this way too often lately. “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.” It’s catchy. It sounds just enough like wisdom to pass for wisdom. But does it have any substance? Does it give us any moral guidance?

I hope no one believes it’s always better to ask for forgiveness. That would justify, for example, date rape in cases where consent was not clear. So let’s consider the statement, “It’s sometimes better to ask forgiveness…”

But this statement is fraught with questions. How do we know whether this situation is one of the sometimes where asking for forgiveness is better? What do we mean by better? Better for whom?

Here’s a headline from an article in today’s issue of my local newspaper: “Native site may delay $3.8B pipeline”. A Native American archeological site has been discovered during the construction of an oil pipeline. Delay costs a lot of money. Should the pipeline company bulldoze right through and then ask for forgiveness? (Assume the penalty would be a fine rather than an order to stop the pipeline completely.)

Your answer reveals something about your value system. In all cases, when you’re asking this question you’re in a situation where you’re contemplating doing something that you believe A) is deemed to be wrong (or at least questionable), or B) will not be well received by certain people. Then you do a cost/benefit analysis. Once I take this action, does the probable benefit outweigh the probable cost to me?

For instance, suppose you have an opportunity to close a very large sale, but the prospect wants a delivery date that the production and service people will view as completely out of the question. Do you call them to discuss it, or do you promise the delivery date and close the deal? You know they’ll be pissed off, but you know you won’t get fired. You’ll get your anatomy chewed and they’ll have to figure it out. Again, your decision reveals something about your value system.

It’s also important to understand that this decision does not take place in a vacuum. There’s always a context. How often do you make decisions where you choose to ask for forgiveness? Is this a truly rare situation, or are you constantly doing it? The more frequently you ask for forgiveness, the more likely your associates will realize you don’t care about them. You care about only what you want and what you can get away with.

I believe there are indeed times when it’s better to ask for forgiveness. Suppose, for instance, that your driver’s license is suspended and someone you’re with suffers a life-threatening injury. Do you drive them to the emergency room? Of course you do.

It seems to me that this issue boils down to a matter of frequency. You might be proud of boldly moving your agenda forward. But be careful; this is a slippery slope. If you too frequently act in ways that require forgiveness, people will know you don’t really care about them. They won’t trust you. They won’t respect you. In my opinion, that’s too high a price to pay. But, of course, that’s my value system.

Thanks for reading. As always, I’m interested in your thoughts.

Larry Sternberg

How Can You Rapidly Fit In To A New Culture?

This is a question everyone must confront at some time, whether you’re a recent grad accepting your first career position or you’re a seasoned professional making a move after 20 years with the same company. What can you do to rapidly engage with the new culture? The following five principles will take you a long way toward success.

  1. Do your homework to ensure a natural fit between you and the culture.
  2. Demonstrate a consistent positive attitude.
  3. Work hard.
  4. Make your boss’ priorities your own.
  5. Cultivate positive relationships.

Do your homework to ensure a natural fit between you and the culture. The single most important thing you can do to fit in involves knowing yourself and learning about the company before you even get a job offer.

 

During the recruitment and selection process, you must make a determination about the natural fit between your values and style and the company’s values and style. You should look for a situation that requires the least amount of change on your part. You’re in a good fit when your natural style just happens to be what works in the culture. The more you have to change to fit in, the more difficult it will be.

 

Invest the time to clarify what’s important to you, and what your natural style is. During the interview process ask questions that will help you make a determination about your natural fit with the culture.

 

Demonstrate a consistent positive attitude. I realize this appears to be a platitude, but it’s not. Positivity matters, and it’s visible on the surface. It’s one of the first things people notice about you, and first impressions matter a lot. Because positivity is contagious, you’ll have a positive impact on the workplace, which means you’ll be adding value right away.

 

Work hard. This is another apparent platitude. But once again it’s immensely important. Everyone appreciates hard work and it’s very visible. It increases the amount of value you’re adding. If you work hard and you have a positive attitude you’ll immediately earn a positive reputation in your new organization.

 

Make your boss’ priorities your own. I’m indebted to one of my mentors, Sigi Brauer, for this insight. This is about adding value. Value, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Demonstrate a sense of urgency in moving forward those things that are important to your boss. Again, it’s extremely noticeable, and your boss will sincerely appreciate it.

 

Cultivate positive relationships. Unless you cultivate positive relationships, you won’t fit in rapidly, and you might not ever fit in at all. The topic of cultivating positive relationships has filled many books, so I’m just going to emphasize a few basics.

  • Build trust. Be open and honest. Deliver on your commitments. Act in accordance with the following principle, articulated by Jim Meehan: “I mean you no harm. I seek your greatest good.”
  • Get to know people, and invite them to know about you. Learn what’s important to them, both personally and professionally. Take the time to inquire about their weekend, their vacation, and their family.
  • Celebrate their successes and milestones, both personal and professional.
  • Find ways to be help them, to make a positive difference in their lives.
  • Ask them for help. This might appear counterintuitive at first, but it’s very effective. Find ways in which they can help you. This demonstrates that you see the value they can add. It’s a form of recognition. It actually causes them to like you more.

 

To summarize, if you do only these five things you’ll maximize your ability to fit in and achieve success in your new organization:

 

  1. Do your homework to ensure a natural fit between you and the culture.
  2. Demonstrate a consistent positive attitude.
  3. Work hard.
  4. Make your boss’ priorities your own.
  5. Cultivate positive relationships.

 

Thanks for reading. As always, I’m interested in your thoughts.

 

Larry Sternberg

What More Can We Say About Building Trust?

Just for fun, I Googled, “How to build trust.” Google returned 523,000,000 results in .38 seconds. I apologize, but I’m going to make it 523 million and one. Most of the conversation I hear or read on this topic focuses on being trustworthy, which is supremely important. But there’s another aspect that doesn’t get as much attention: being trusting.

Being trusting is more nuanced than being trustworthy. Let’s begin by acknowledging that it’s possible to be too trusting. Think about the purchasing function, for instance. The risk of malfeasance is so great that it would be foolish to forego rigorous controls and oversight. Everybody involved in that process understands and accepts this.

But some leaders see every situation like the one described above. This lack of trust is rationalized in various ways: I don’t trust their judgment; I don’t trust their knowledge or experience; I don’t trust their intentions; I’m worried they might commit malfeasance; I don’t trust them to follow up. I’m sure you can add to this list. The result is lack of empowerment and more control mechanisms. People hesitate to take initiative. The organization becomes less agile. Morale suffers. And most importantly relationships suffer. When trust is low, you cannot create a high performing team.

I’ve worked with way too many leaders who are quite comfortable telling me they don’t trust one or more of their direct reports. Does this sound familiar? Why would a leader choose to work with someone they don’t trust? Sadly, often the answer is: they wouldn’t trust the next person either because they can’t bring themselves to trust anyone.

When trust is high relationships flourish, the organization is more agile, morale improves, collaboration improves and productivity improves. Readers might be interested in reading, “The Speed of Trust” by Steven M. R. Covey and “I Mean You No Harm; I Seek Your Greatest Good” by Jim Meehan.

You can’t create a high performing team absent a high level of trust. Being trustworthy is not enough. You must also be trusting, which involves risk. But let’s be honest. It’s a choice you can make. Find direct reports you’re willing to trust. The rewards are well worth the risk.

Thanks for reading. As always, I’m interested in your thoughts.

Larry Sternberg